Question 1) The following quote is from what year: "The president is personally popular. Pity the fool who paid for a poll to figure that out. So…what’s the loyal opposition to do with this popular president? We are going to speak truth to power. We are going to speak directly, and we are going to take him on."
A) 2002 B) 2003 C)2005 D)2009
Correct Answer: D. That's RNC Chairman Michael Steele, speaking earlier today to ABC News Correspondent George Stephanopoulos, employing the tried and true Republican strategy of "to hell with what the electorate thinks."
Question 2) If the chair of a prominent political party is quoted as saying "We are going to take the president head-on. The honeymoon is over. The two-party system is making a comeback, and that comeback starts today" it can be determined that:
A) The party is in big trouble B) The party is in denial C) The party is out of touch
D) Not only is the party in trouble, but it has single handedly brought a collapse of a
realistic, national two-party system E) All of the above.
Correct Answer: E. There's Mr. Steele again, with what is most likely an inadvertent admission that the party he represents has been marginalized faster than you can say "Who's this Michael Steel guy?"
Question 3) When "many advisors" within your party suggest to you that, instead of taking on a very popular president, you should "...go after Nancy Pelosi, whom nobody likes. Or Harry Reid, whom nobody knows. Or this Tim Geithner fellow, whom nobody believes. Or maybe even Barney Frank, whom nobody understands" , the wisest move would be to:
A) Fire your advisors B) Ignore your advisors C) Step down from your post
D) All of the above E) Other
Correct Answer: E. You guessed it - that was actually Michael Scott, er, Steele, believing every word he's advised to. The actual answer is "Stop what you are doing immediately. Remove yourself from the presence of other people, preferably to a calm outdoor setting, and take 5 deep breaths. Once you have finished sobbing, call your loved ones, if they will still speak with you. Tell them that you are moving to Spain to be a painter. However, you must be careful to never paint, because any expression of your inner feelings would be too risky for the rest of mankind. Instead, move to Russia and keep an eye on Alaska." Partial credit for answering D.
Question 4) When a political party claims they intend to "challenge those policies that we believe are wrong, and we are going to do so without apology and without a second thought"
A) Republicans B) Out of touch with the way our government works C) 6 years too late
D) About as politically viable as a 12 year old boy who's been raised by wolves and
has stumbled upon a hunting cabin full of whiskey, pornography, gunpowder and Palins.
E) A, B, and D
Correct Answer: E. Verse Eleven of the Democratic Party Oath is "Never attempt to challenge those policies that we believe are wrong, without apology and without a second thought. Ever."
Question 5) According to Michael Steele, change comes in:
A) 2010 B) A crispy gold filling C) threes D) a tea bag
Correct Answer: D. And really, who can disagree? Nothing washes down a Texas sized order of Freedom Fries like a hot cup of tea. Except maybe Robitussin and Drano, or whatever the hell it was that those teabaggers were drinking.
Question 6) ~BONUS QUESTION~ The absolute worst way to close an interview, while attempting to lend credibility and dignity to your argument, is to state:
A) "We are going to take this president on with dignity. This will be a very sharp and marked contrast to the shabby and classless way that the Democrats and the far left spoke of President Bush." B) "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if this town can give a man what he needs, if you know what I mean...and what I mean is a little something a like to call women and booze." C) "Actually, one more thing. Have you seen 'Porky's Part 2"? No? Well, you should, because there's more to that movie than you'd think. I am not exaggerating at all to say that 80% of my political beliefs can be traced to that film." D) "We're done? Whoo, just in time. I think the Vicodin is wearing off. Hey, do you know any dentists? And, uhh, I kind of wet your chair. Whooa, is this thing still on? Are we on now? Do you mind if I sing, actually?"
E) All of the above
Answer: E. For the record, Steele went with A. Actually kind of makes you miss the morbid entertainment that was a George W. Bush interview. In a parallel universe, the greatest decision in the history of television will be made when George W. Bush replaces Bill O'Reilly, and launches "The 30 Minute NewsHour."